for a while there, i needed to step away from the computer.
i think i just needed to step into my life a bit. really be present for my family and their needs without a screen in front of my face.
my children had been making comments. screen comments that involved me + that screen. the one i don't allow them to use very often. waldorf family that we are and all.
and they were right. i was planted in front of that screen fairly often.
i was loving the computer and it's endless possibilities a bit too much, perhaps. and then suddenly, my brain just needed a large break.
breaks are good.
i couldn't remember why i started blogging. i forgot. i wondered if it had any meaning. and so i paused with the blog writing and started scribbling on paper instead and i haven't stopped doing that. that's become a must for me. scribbling. on paper. downloading the things in my head that need to be scribbled and looked at by me only, so i could see what it is that my heart is really searching for and who i really am, what questions i have + what answers.
it's nice to check in.
i write in inexpensive spiral bound notebooks, so i don't get too precious about it, and i circle the things that seem to repeat themselves or that jump out at me for whatever reason, and i fold down the pages with the quotes i've copied that i love.
and i shred the rest.
i actually love that part. shredding those old thoughts and things of the past. letting go.
+ i love collecting the quotes that really resonate with me and making plans to embroider them on the latest thing i'm embroidering. i pencil them down on fabric. i hunt down just the right font, lover of font that i am, and trace it onto the fabric, hoping to duplicate it at least somewhat with thread.
but now i know exactly why i started blogging again. and i'll tell you.
it was that section in tif fussel's book that i got recently, that i love, where she talks about her own blogging experience and how it changed her perspective about daily life and helped her to see it in a different light + i thought oh my goodness yes. that's it. that's exactly it. that is what blogging does for me too. and photographing things. it changes my perspective about things. it helps me capture and remember + be present for moments in my life in a different way. it helps me see my life differently.
different meaning good.
for example, i am not an early riser sort of person. i do not have that gene. i just don't. i accept that about myself. some people i know can go out drinking until the wee hours of the night and they will still get up at five all bright and sun shiney, and clear their inbox and have breakfast made and clean the kitchen before the kids even get up.
that's just not who i am and i embrace that wholeheartedly and commend them on being the advanced human that they are who can do such impossible things.
i have never gotten over the fact that when i had children i had to shift my schedule to adjust to the hours they like to rise (and they are early risers) and as they've grown older to the hours they need to get to school or to that rehearsal or field trip or lesson on time, fed, lunches made, all that. all early.
i am cranky in the morning. i would never last long working on a farm or in a bakery, much as i find the idea romantic.
cranky.
partly because i would love to just sleep in until 7:30 and not 6 and also, probably because i love that quiet time at night so much, that time when the kids are asleep and the chores are either done or can be ignored and the phone stops ringing and i can just listen to the stillness and be creative and write or knit or spin yarn or paint or whatever without anyone interrupting me. i love that. i love it so much that i often get to bed far later than i should considering i have to get up at the crack of dawn to launch into the usual routine. and then i don't get enough sleep. and etc...
but. blogging + photography, and instagram lately, by the way. instagram.
now when my daughter and her beautiful sun-shiney friend come giggling into my room with cokatiels on their head at the crack of dawn after a very late night watching the mahler symphony, what do i do? do i scold them and pull the covers over my head, hoping to disappear back into that dream i was having, getting all ticked off that i can't??
why no!
amazingly, i feel a sudden, rare, impossible surge of adrenaline, RACE for my iphone and launch out of bed saying, "wait right there!" and "just a little to the left!" and start snapping away and instagramming and i suddenly i am filled with bliss. bliss. at not quite 7 in the morning. after going to bed after midnight! me. the cranky one. and i am ready to make those girls anything their hungry hearts desire. i am offering pancake-making and scrambled eggs and smiling as they bounce out of the room, chirping cockatiels in tow.
and then i look back at that photo later, several times, in fact, and i glow, thinking of that lovely, beautiful morning moment that i captured and appreciated and was truly present for. and i am happy. truly happy. whereas prior to blogging (which inspired + then drove me with some sort of incessant longing to the random capturing of daily life), i would have looked at that whole thing in a much more grumpy light. just the whole being woken up early after a late night thing. i would have completely missed the sweet giggly girls and the birds on both their heads and just all of the goodness of it.
crazy, right?
but i didn't miss it.
and i'm so glad i didn't miss it. i am so, so glad.
thank you tif + dottie angel, for pointing that out about blogging in your lovely book. because i had completely forgot. and now i remember. and i am very happy to be back.
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i so get this...
having taken a major 6 month 'unplug' break to change my life instead of looking at others on the screen...i get this...but now i wish i had some record of the moments that got me through
i love that you shred those thoughts and keep what is good...what a great way to cleanse...and i am happy you are on instagram...that shot of the birdy head cuties is a beautiful moment...yes instagram is going to be good for me too to 'bee' present even if i don't feel like writing about it :)
Posted by: Karen Salva | February 06, 2012 at 03:17 AM
we journal in much the same way apparently. i get rid of the really, really ugly stuff because one day i plan to pass my journals along to my child (children?), and i firmly believe there are certain things that they don't need to see.
i'm immensely glad that you're back. :)
Posted by: Brittany Why | February 06, 2012 at 07:45 AM
i used to journal all the time. i have crates full of journals. i did shred some and incorporated pieces into collages, and also picked random phrases that i wrote poems from. but once i started blogging, the journaling tapered off. good for you for going back to it! i do love blogging though, the way you can incorporate images, and yes, the way you can look at your life from the outside a bit. the thing that i can't make up my mind about is facebook. i usually blog when the kids are asleep, though i do read blogs when they are awake often. but add another hour (or two. or three) of screen time because of facebook-ing. that is major UGH! but i love the news i get on FB, and the photos, mostly. so this is my next big decision. whether to quit fb or not! welcome back. you do have internet friends who love to read your blog posts!
Posted by: zoe krylova | February 06, 2012 at 10:01 AM
exactly. exactly! "present even if i don't feel like writing about it". that's totally it. i just discovered "keeps" too, which i might give a try this year - honoring that desire to finally, finally make photo albums. keepsy does a "year of instagrams" type book that i have my eye on. sounds like it might be fun and easy. no idea what it looks like, but fingers are crossed. these things seem to keep getting better and better.
xo
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Posted by: tifanie | February 06, 2012 at 01:13 PM
yep, you're right. we do journal in much the same way. i've seen some people keep the writing and paint white over it and then turn it into something beautiful on top of all the whining, and i really like that idea, but i just know i personally would never get to it, because there are all these other things i like to do more than that. so i just shred it. destroy the evidence. no one ever needs to see it, most of all my kids. it's just me purging negativity lots of the time and finding my way through all that gunk to the light, which is the place i really love to live. and once i get it out and away, i DO tend to live in the light. amazing thing, really. :::
hey i just realized we're soulodge mates, are we not? nice to meet you tribe sister. i really like your blog. we seem to have a few things in common besides journal methods. have a wonderful day.
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Posted by: tifanie | February 06, 2012 at 01:31 PM
hi zoe, so nice to "see" you (grin).
that's a tough one. i've pretty much walked away from Facebook, for the most part, because i'm trying to read more and i've started painting, which is a big deal since i haven't drawn or painted in years and years, and i'm trying to finish up all these half finished projects lying around and if i spend too much time on the computer i find that i do nothing. because i also like to cook and that takes priority over all the other creative stuff. so i have forced myself to book out "creative non computer time" where i'm "allowed" to knit or read or paint or anything but no emails or computer because i can easily, easily waste 2 hours there. one link leads to another, you know? worlds of information. fascinating information. but anyway, i totally get what you're saying.
:::
and i know what you mean about blogging. it's kind of like collaging for me. i don't really collage in "real life" with paper + glue and all that. but i love, love doing it on the computer. so sad that picnik is going away. that was my number 1 computer collaging zone. boo.
take care,
tif
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Posted by: tifanie | February 06, 2012 at 01:36 PM
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oh, i will have to check out keeps...i had
seen some other instagram prints and items out there and admire the
look...instagram has some perfect filters for creating with...your book will be
fabulous and i picture really is worth 1000 words :)
have a great night!
xo
K
Posted by: Karen Salva | February 06, 2012 at 07:17 PM
Ok I just found more fun instagram toys. Check out the blurb book for instagram photos and also prinstagram. Bliss!
:::
www.noddyboom.typepad.com
Posted by: tifanie | February 06, 2012 at 07:38 PM
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giddy...of course Blurb...totally forgot
about them! i will check both out...may not make it a year before i do my
first book...hee hee
Posted by: Karen Salva | February 06, 2012 at 07:43 PM