i'm still painting, you know.
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these aren't mine, by the way. let me just clear that up right off the bat. these are the work of pamela henderson. aren't they lovely? i've just discovered her work and as soon as i get a chance i'm going to shoot over to giant robot and check it out. these pieces are some of my favorites. i'm drawn to them in the same way i'm drawn to emily martin + rebecca rebouche. there's something mysterious about them that stirs my awareness and makes me think + wonder. and i like things that make me think + wonder, don't you? i'm all about thinking + wondering these days. it's my way of being awake.
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my own paintings are about 1/3 of the way done and sitting in the basement waiting for me to finish the needle-felted dolls and then a quilted pillow case first. i'm still systematically trying to tick wip's off my list and the dolls + the pillow come before the paintings in this case, because they've been lying around the longest.
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but seeing work like this gets me excited about returning to my own paintings soon, very soon.
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you know, for the longest time, i wasn't even able to draw anymore. which is odd, because that's pretty much all i used to do my whole childhood and my whole teenage-hood right up until college. and even a little bit beyond that occasionally.
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and then something happened and i lost my ability to do it. it fizzled out. i drew a complete blank every time i tried. i literally could not put the pen to paper. it was miserable. i don't know what happened. maybe it had something to do with growing up, at least in my case, and losing the ability to go through the cupboard door to narnia. i'm not really sure, but can you imagine?
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and then i had children and it was the best thing i ever did in all my life. i had this wonderful family that i was completely in love with and it was a new kind of magic. something only a mother (or father, perhaps) could understand. they were my whole world. my husband + my kids. and they still are.
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then my little ones grew a bit and started drawing. they drew constantly, without hesitation, piles of beautiful images and it was like watching them walk through that cupboard door. it was both fascinating + frustrating. they had found narnia + i couldn't follow.
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for years i watched my children draw the most amazing, wonderful, imaginative things and i collected it all. i kept looking at their drawings + wondering when and if i was going to find my own way back to that magical place.
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what saved me was yarn. somewhere along the way i learned how to spin yarn and i loved it. it was like finding a key to a locked window next to the cupboard that allowed me to peek through a porthole at narnia. it was a piece of the magic i had lost. it was better than nothing. spinning threw me into a creative whirwind that totally sidestepped the inner critic that had developed in my adult self and allowed me to just be + make. it was wonderful + it still is. i am very grateful for it. i still couldn't draw, but i could spin, and i loved what i was spinning. still do.
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then recently (last spring, actually) i began to mourn drawing again. so, on a whim + with the encouragement of a friend, i took a leap of faith and an embroidery class at squam with rebecca ringquist. and it was amazing. did i ever tell you about squam? what a wonderful, magical place. if you haven't found narnia by now, go to squam and you will.
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i also took a mask making class there with pixie campbell and got back into learning through totem animals. equally mind-altering + nurturing. i can't really describe why. it's something you have to do. you can't just talk about it.
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anyway, the whole experience unlocked + released a lot of demons - i don't even know how. it just did. i was floating for weeks when i came back. weeks. i was so high, i had people calling me constantly to hang out, people i don't normally hear from. there were people bumping into me at the market and then following me around from aisle to aisle as if i was surrounded by some sort of magic fairy dust they were hoping would rub off on them, and i probably was surrounded by magic fairy dust. in fact, i'm sure i was. seriously, it was like that.
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rebecca's work was very inspiring to me + launched me into a newfound love of embroidery, the way she works it. wild and free and wreckless. kind of like how my children draw. very liberated.
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i started working on a piece filled with collected quotes and bits of images that spoke to me and spoke to + through my inner, higher self and it was like drawing, sort of. i was finding my way back through the cupboard door and i had my totem animal to guide me, in this case a rabbit, like alice.
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what this has to do with painting (and drawing) is, that after all that, i got b r a v e and decided to take a painting course. i was ready + more than that, willing. i found an e-course taught by lisa congden and mati mcdonough called "get your paint on" that spoke to me. what excited me about it was that lisa, who's blog i've been following for years, has had so much success in becoming an artist full time and she started painting professionally as an adult. that impressed the part of myself that was still dipping a toe in the pool of worry about not having a college education in art, not being professionally trained or skilled, etc. (all those adult-inner-critic-things that are really meaningless and do nothing but hold us back, if anything). and mati's style is very whimsical and childlike, which i love. and both of them seemed to be able to just let go and paint. perfect teachers for me, i thought. and they were. i absolutely loved the class. it was exactly what i needed. i started drawing + painting again.
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me being who i am, i haven't finished my paintings yet. ahem. like i said, they are in the basement waiting their turn. all four of them in various degrees of completion.
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but i am no longer blocked. i am no longer lost. i can pick up pens again and draw. i'm at the beginning of it, but i can do it. i am free to go in and out of the cupboard door anytime i like. i have found the key. i realize now that it was with me all along, but i have found it again or i remember how to use it now, or something. something has changed. for the better. in any case it's here and i have found my way back to narnia + its magic. how happy that makes me.
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and in due time, those paintings will be finished. and i will have a party to celebrate them and to celebrate magic, and you + all your magic will be invited.
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it's fun to just make a mess. :) when i feel stuck, i'll just throw some paint around and take a step back...sometimes i see something there that gets me started.
Posted by: Brittany | February 24, 2012 at 11:48 AM
youre totally right! i had forgotten about that! i first fell in love with sabrina ward harrisons work and also keri smith (the kids and i worked our way through her wreck this journal which was a blast and very liberating) and both of those things inspired me to make a mess and see what happened next. thanks for reminding me of that! we even made paintings, the kids and i, where anyone was allowed to paint on top of anyone elses work within the painting and eventually it turned into this incredibly layered wonderful thing. that was pre-lisas e-course. marvelous thing, mess-making. thats kind of how i feel my yarn process is sometimes and why it was so much easier than drawing for me. ill have to keep re-discovering that. ill definitely do another stroll through your blog and look for your work!! thanks for the inspiration! :::
xo tifanie
Posted by: tifanie | February 24, 2012 at 12:14 PM
tifanie, i so enjoyed reading this part of your journey... and thrilled to find how much we have in common... i don't really draw or paint, but i love spinning and embroidery, and the focus on process and lack of pressure to make 'art' is a huge part of why i love fiber/textile work.
but, i've been in my own sort of stuck-ness for a while now, and finding pixie and soulodge last fall (and finding my own spirit animal) were so so transformative for me. i hope to make it to squam one day and sample that fairy-dust!!
sharing your journey to the cupboard door works as a little map for the rest of us... thank you!
Posted by: Drucilla Pettibone | February 24, 2012 at 01:25 PM
hi drucilla :)
your comment made my evening!
i too am thrilled to find out how much we have in common. i cant tell you how excited i was finding YOUR blog and the many fiber artists you link to, everyones work so inspiring. and i love what you said about the focus on process and lack of pressure to make art. that is so true for me too with fiber art, or rather yarn + embroidery. i am trying to make it so with painting as well, and just enjoy the process and let go of whatever inhibitions have held me back before. its starting to work and i am so pleased.
DO go to squam if you can, one of these days. its marvelous. such a nurturing supportive environment. maybe well try to go together? this spring looks to be all booked up, but perhaps the following year. or maybe some other fiber festival somewhere? i have my eyes peeled. the fairy dust is definitely in effect in places like that.
have a wonderful evening! xo tif
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Posted by: tifanie | February 24, 2012 at 05:39 PM
What an inspiring post. I am so happy for you in finding the magic. Beautiful.
Posted by: alexandria | February 25, 2012 at 01:41 PM
art is a language if you will and what tongue you speak it in depends on the day or perhaps the year...you will wake up one morning and know...yes...today i am going to the land of canvases and the language of 'paint' i know well...and i will only speak that today...and then a few days later i plan on a party invite :)
loved this post!!
Posted by: Karen Salva | March 01, 2012 at 08:31 PM
you know, you're absolutely right. and i just love looking at things this way. not being stuck with one thing or another and just allowing oneself a passport to creative lands everywhere. thank you for this. :)
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Posted by: tifanie | March 02, 2012 at 09:48 AM
Tifanie- Thanks for your sweet comment about my class. I'm so glad to hear it had an impact, and so excited to hear about your painting and your process. I'm actually teaching a class at Mati's studio next month in Berkeley- it would be so much fun if you came! Are you coming back to Squam this year?
Posted by: Rebecca Ringquist | March 17, 2012 at 08:46 PM