i'm still painting, you know.
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these aren't mine, by the way. let me just clear that up right off the bat. these are the work of pamela henderson. aren't they lovely? i've just discovered her work and as soon as i get a chance i'm going to shoot over to giant robot and check it out. these pieces are some of my favorites. i'm drawn to them in the same way i'm drawn to emily martin + rebecca rebouche. there's something mysterious about them that stirs my awareness and makes me think + wonder. and i like things that make me think + wonder, don't you? i'm all about thinking + wondering these days. it's my way of being awake.
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my own paintings are about 1/3 of the way done and sitting in the basement waiting for me to finish the needle-felted dolls and then a quilted pillow case first. i'm still systematically trying to tick wip's off my list and the dolls + the pillow come before the paintings in this case, because they've been lying around the longest.
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but seeing work like this gets me excited about returning to my own paintings soon, very soon.
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you know, for the longest time, i wasn't even able to draw anymore. which is odd, because that's pretty much all i used to do my whole childhood and my whole teenage-hood right up until college. and even a little bit beyond that occasionally.
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and then something happened and i lost my ability to do it. it fizzled out. i drew a complete blank every time i tried. i literally could not put the pen to paper. it was miserable. i don't know what happened. maybe it had something to do with growing up, at least in my case, and losing the ability to go through the cupboard door to narnia. i'm not really sure, but can you imagine?
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and then i had children and it was the best thing i ever did in all my life. i had this wonderful family that i was completely in love with and it was a new kind of magic. something only a mother (or father, perhaps) could understand. they were my whole world. my husband + my kids. and they still are.
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then my little ones grew a bit and started drawing. they drew constantly, without hesitation, piles of beautiful images and it was like watching them walk through that cupboard door. it was both fascinating + frustrating. they had found narnia + i couldn't follow.
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for years i watched my children draw the most amazing, wonderful, imaginative things and i collected it all. i kept looking at their drawings + wondering when and if i was going to find my own way back to that magical place.
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what saved me was yarn. somewhere along the way i learned how to spin yarn and i loved it. it was like finding a key to a locked window next to the cupboard that allowed me to peek through a porthole at narnia. it was a piece of the magic i had lost. it was better than nothing. spinning threw me into a creative whirwind that totally sidestepped the inner critic that had developed in my adult self and allowed me to just be + make. it was wonderful + it still is. i am very grateful for it. i still couldn't draw, but i could spin, and i loved what i was spinning. still do.
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then recently (last spring, actually) i began to mourn drawing again. so, on a whim + with the encouragement of a friend, i took a leap of faith and an embroidery class at squam with rebecca ringquist. and it was amazing. did i ever tell you about squam? what a wonderful, magical place. if you haven't found narnia by now, go to squam and you will.
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i also took a mask making class there with pixie campbell and got back into learning through totem animals. equally mind-altering + nurturing. i can't really describe why. it's something you have to do. you can't just talk about it.
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anyway, the whole experience unlocked + released a lot of demons - i don't even know how. it just did. i was floating for weeks when i came back. weeks. i was so high, i had people calling me constantly to hang out, people i don't normally hear from. there were people bumping into me at the market and then following me around from aisle to aisle as if i was surrounded by some sort of magic fairy dust they were hoping would rub off on them, and i probably was surrounded by magic fairy dust. in fact, i'm sure i was. seriously, it was like that.
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rebecca's work was very inspiring to me + launched me into a newfound love of embroidery, the way she works it. wild and free and wreckless. kind of like how my children draw. very liberated.
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i started working on a piece filled with collected quotes and bits of images that spoke to me and spoke to + through my inner, higher self and it was like drawing, sort of. i was finding my way back through the cupboard door and i had my totem animal to guide me, in this case a rabbit, like alice.
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what this has to do with painting (and drawing) is, that after all that, i got b r a v e and decided to take a painting course. i was ready + more than that, willing. i found an e-course taught by lisa congden and mati mcdonough called "get your paint on" that spoke to me. what excited me about it was that lisa, who's blog i've been following for years, has had so much success in becoming an artist full time and she started painting professionally as an adult. that impressed the part of myself that was still dipping a toe in the pool of worry about not having a college education in art, not being professionally trained or skilled, etc. (all those adult-inner-critic-things that are really meaningless and do nothing but hold us back, if anything). and mati's style is very whimsical and childlike, which i love. and both of them seemed to be able to just let go and paint. perfect teachers for me, i thought. and they were. i absolutely loved the class. it was exactly what i needed. i started drawing + painting again.
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me being who i am, i haven't finished my paintings yet. ahem. like i said, they are in the basement waiting their turn. all four of them in various degrees of completion.
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but i am no longer blocked. i am no longer lost. i can pick up pens again and draw. i'm at the beginning of it, but i can do it. i am free to go in and out of the cupboard door anytime i like. i have found the key. i realize now that it was with me all along, but i have found it again or i remember how to use it now, or something. something has changed. for the better. in any case it's here and i have found my way back to narnia + its magic. how happy that makes me.
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and in due time, those paintings will be finished. and i will have a party to celebrate them and to celebrate magic, and you + all your magic will be invited.
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